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She was sitting in my office crying. "I just don't feel any love coming from my husband,¨ she said. ¨We live in the same house, the bills get paid, the house is clean. Everybody thinks we have the ideal marriage. But it's empty. There's no love, just deadness. How long can you live with deadness?¨

I looked at her husband and sensed he was humiliated and angry. His first words were, "I don't understand her. I do everything I can to show her that I love her, and she still complains. I don't know what else to do.¨ "How do you express love to her?¨ I asked.

"First of all, I have a steady job. I work hard, haven't missed a day of work in seven years. I turn the paycheck over to her to pay the bills. We don't have a lot of debt. We even have a little in the savings. Most women would be proud to have a husband like that, but she complains because I do have to make a living. I got her flowers on Mother's Day. I took her to a really nice restaurant on Valentine's Day. I sometimes get her gifts for no special reason; just trying to show her that I love her. But she still complains that she doesn't feel loved and that I don't spend any time with her. But I do. I am home almost every night.¨

After hearing his defense, I looked at his wife. She said, "Dr. Chapman, he's right. He's a hard working man and I appreciate that. And I also appreciate the gifts he gets me, but I just want him to sit on the couch and talk to me. We haven't talked for years. He's at home at night, that's true. But he is either watching TV or working on the computer. We don't even share the evening meal. He wants to watch TV while he eats. And we don't ever go anywhere together. We used to take a weekend now and then and have really great times together, but we haven't done that in years.¨

I looked back at him. "Dr. Chapman, I would love to spend time with her. We used to have good times, she is right. But now when we spend time together, she never gives attention to my needs. It's always a one-way street. She wants to spend time together, do things together, but she is never thinking about my needs.¨ "What needs?¨ I asked.

"Well...sexual needs,¨ he said. "You know how men are. We need sex. She's cold and uninterested. When she is like that, it's easier just to stay away from her.¨

"It's obvious you both are hurting very much,¨ I said. "I understand why you are frustrated. But I want to tell you something that I think will help both of you. If you are willing to call a temporary truce to the fighting, I think I can help you make a permanent peace treaty that will lead you back to warm feelings of love for each other.¨

I shared with this couple what I have shared with thousands of couples about the "Five Love Languages.¨ After 20-plus years of counseling, I am convinced that there are only five basic languages of love. Each of us speaks one of the five, but seldom does the husband and wife speak the same language. By nature, we speak our own language and wonder why our spouse doesn't feel loved. Let's outline the five languages and how they work in a marriage.

LOVE LANGUAGE #1 - WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

One of the primary languages of love is expressing words that build up the other person. "Bob, I appreciate that you have a regular job and that you work hard. I know there are men who are irresponsible. I really appreciate your hard work.¨ Or, "thanks for the meal, Mary. It was great.¨ 1 Corinthians 8:1 says "Love edifies.¨ One of the ways to express love is to use words that build up the other person. (I, Fr. T., remember reading years ago the character of a healthy marriage. The number one characteristic was the couple's ability to affirm each other.)

LOVE LANGUAGE # 2 - GIFTS

Giving gifts as an expression of love is universal. In my studies in anthropology, we have never found a culture where gift giving is not part of the love-marriage process. A gift says, "he was thinking of me.¨ The gift need not be expensive. It is the thought that counts.

Cooking a meal is an act of service, a big act of service. Washing dishes is an act of service, as is vacuuming floors or servicing the car or cleaning the commode. Doing the something that you know your spouse would like for you to do is an act of love. Try doing an act of service that your spouse has complained about for years, and see what happens.

LOVE LANGUAGE #4 - QUALITY TIME

Giving someone your undivided attention is a strong expression of love. For the wife we discussed earlier, it is obvious her primary love language is quality time.

She wants him to sit on the couch and talk to her. She wants to spend weekends with him where she can have his undivided attention. She is crying for quality time.

Go give your spouse your undivided attention, the television must be off, the computer must be down, the newspaper must be set aside. Your spouse must be the focus of your attention. To give her quality time is to give her a portion of your life. It is a powerful emotional communicator.

Holding hands, kissing, embracing, sexual intercourse, touching on the shoulder, rubbing the back, placing your hand on her leg as you ride down the road -- all of these are expressions of love. And to the person whose primary love language is physical touch, they speak volumes of your affection.

Out of these five love languages, each person has a primary love language. One means more to you than all the others. You may appreciate all of them, but one will speak to you more deeply. Seldom does a husband and wife have the same primary love language. We often speak our own language or the language we were taught by our parents. If a father says to a son, "get her flowers, son,¨ then we will likely get her flowers to express love. But if gifts is not her primary language, flowers will mean to her what they may have meant to his mother.

For the couple we discussed earlier, the husband's primary language was physical touch while hers was quality time. Neither of them felt loved because neither was speaking the right love language. He was expressing love by showing acts of service (his hard work, his providing for the family) and gifts, but neither of those was her primary love language. He seldom spoke her primary love language, and apparently she was not doing a very good job of expressing love by physical touch.

I said to the husband, "Please understand that what the sexual part of the marriage is to you, quality time is to her. Now both of you can stop blaming each other and start loving each other in the right love language. In two months, the emotional climate of your marriage can be radically changed.¨

They both agreed it made sense, and wondered why they hadn't seen it before. In one month, they were back in my office with smiles. "We can't believe that so much could happen in a month,¨ she said. "She has not been this responsive to me in years and I feel like we are on a second honeymoon,¨ he said.

"It's been a two-way street,¨ she said, "we've spent more time together this month than we have in the past year. I feel like he really cares. My whole attitude has changed.¨

In my book, The Five Love Languages, I discuss not only the five basic languages but the dialects that come under each language, and the ways you can express love to your spouse once you discover her primary love language. If you can keep each other's love tanks full, you are far more likely to accomplish the other objectives that God has in mind for each of your lives.

A love-starved wife will never reach her potential as a wife, mother, or Christian. Fill her love tank and watch her blossom. Do you want her to smile again? Discover her priority love language and speak it regularly. In turn she will probably start speaking your primary language and your love tank will overflow again.