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SUNSHINE AFTER THE RAIN "Children sleeping in the night, awaken to
such terrible fright. Fear... This is what had always enveloped me when I was a child. I cringe every time I hear his footsteps at night. I find it hard to breathe whenever I hear him speak. No, the monster’s not under my bed. The monster is he who was supposed to protect me from harm. He is the typical father. One who dotes on her precious little daughter, shower her with love and affection. I have kept these memories: When I was around four years old, I usually cry when he had to work overtime in the office ‘coz I fear that he’s not coming back. He took me on a piggy back ride on my first day of school. He cheered for me when I joined singing contests. He always brags on my singing talents to his friends and made me sing at parties. These are the memories that I wanted to play in my mind over and over again… I just can’t….’coz there are other memories that are just too hard to suppress. Sleepless nights… It all started when he wanted me to sleep beside him. What started out as an innocent embrace turned into something that, just thinking about it now, made me want to throw up. This is the effect of alcohol or so I think. His hands started to touch me… I can’t recall at exactly what age it started, I was probably 6 or 7 years old. All I know is that it didn’t make me guilty at that time. But as years passed, sleeping with him started to make me feel uncomfortable. I wanted to scream but it seemed like no one will hear me. My mother was always out at night ‘coz her job requires her to. I have no one to turn to but my Father in heaven. I know He hears my cries. I kept on asking Him when this would end. I felt so ashamed of myself. School was like heaven to me. It provided me the sense of peace that I’ve been longing for. I gained so many friends and I was always considered the life of the party. I loved to clown around, sort of like putting up a front so they won’t notice that I’ve been having troubles at home. I did well in school and graduated with honors. Still, I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t tell my mother about it because I was so ashamed. When I reached third year high school, my grandmother requested that I sleep in her house, which is just a block away from ours. Thank you, Lord! At last, an escape from the devil. I don’t know… I thought my Lola’s already sensing that something bad is happening to me. In fact, I remember her telling me that she dreamt that my father was abusing me. God, how I wish I was courageous enough to confirm her dream. I just can’t blurt it out! Anyway, staying with her gave me peace but not completely because I fear that the same thing could happen to my sisters (I was the eldest). I can’t recall telling my mother the details of the abuse. I just knew that I told her that father had done terrible things to me. My mother was too weak to handle the truth. In fact, she didn’t push me for details anymore because she too, is a victim of father’s verbal and emotional abuse. We acted like nothing happened and we went on our usual ways. Sad... but true. I am not perfect. I tried smoking and drinking at a young age; went into a homosexual relationship; attempted suicide several times. And then one night, alone in my room, I talked to God. I opened up myself to Him. I realized that I was looking for happiness from the wrong places. I knew He was always there but I just ignored Him because I was not ready to give up the forbidden relationship. The sad thing is, I was never happy and all I felt was guilt. I told Him that I want my way out and asked Him that He lead me the way. Answered prayer… On May 1997, I met Ralph and he started courting me. God whispered that I give this man a chance. I did but I know for sure that I had to be totally honest with him if I wanted to have a relationship. So I’ve told practically all my dark secrets and what’s surprising is that he didn’t even flinch. He assured me that he doesn’t really care if I’ve been through hell and back. All he knows is that he loves me so much. No ifs, no buts...He taught me how to look at the brighter side of life and avoid dwelling on the past that is eating me alive. I consider Ralph as God’s fulfillment of His promise. It reminded me that indeed, there’s sunshine after rain. Ralph and I got married on June 2001. Our bundle of joy came into our lives on March 2002. I’ve never felt this complete! I remember telling my brothers and sisters in our Singles for Christcommunity, that finally, I found peace! The Lord is so good to me. I am so much surrounded by overflowing love. On occasions, I visit my parents in our hometown. Sad thing is, my father is still an alcoholic and I know that only prayers can change his ways and I’m not giving up on him. Whenever we see each other, I still feel uncomfortable especially when I see him in his drunken state. It is as if the little child in me wanted to run away because of fear. Although I know deep in my heart that I’ve already forgiven him, the unpleasant memories are still vivid in my mind. But life must go on. I have the right to be “happy” after
all… by : Name Withheld Upon Request
[This column is open to those who want to share how God touched their lives in different ways – as an individual, a parent, a sister, a friend.]
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