FemaleBattle.net

When you first begin to go out with someone seriously, you have new and unfamiliar experiences. Being in love is a wonderful. It is exciting, romantic and fun. It seems that nothing can go wrong and everything is just so perfect and bound to last forever.

However, every relationship has its troubles and problems. That’s just part of life. But if there are patterns of uncontrolled anger, jealousy, and possessiveness or if there is shoving, slapping, forced sex, or other physical violence – even just once – it’s time to find help. Sure, a love song says that love hurts sometimes, but that does not mean you should expect to get hurt – to be put down, slapped, embarrassed in front of your friends, pushed, yelled at, forced to have sex if you don’t want it, controlled by or be afraid of the person you’re going out with.

Getting hurt like that is not love. It’s dangerous. It is violence. It can happen to anybody, even if you’re smart or popular or strong or sophisticated. And it doesn’t matter who you’re seeing. It happens to girls and to boys. It happens in same-sex relationships.

You have the right to be treated with respect and not to be harmed in any way by another person. Violence and abuse are not tolerable in any relationship. Love should never hurt like this. Like a saying goes, if there is no respect, it is not love.

LEARNING THE RULES OF LOVE

When you first begin to go out with someone seriously, you have new and unfamiliar experiences. You start to discover society’s rules for dating and relationship behavior. In addition, you are trying to figure out how to impress someone who is really special to you and how to be yourself in a relationship. You see all kinds of images of what relationships are supposed to be like—but how do you know which ones are the right ones to follow? It’s hard to ignore other people’s examples of relationships—for example, if your mother and father don’t show respect for each other. But you can decide for yourself what sort of relationships you want to have with your friends and your boyfriends or girlfriends. You can learn to have a healthy relationship and be loved and treated well by someone you care about. Violence is not the way to do it. Respect is.

It is what happens in a teen relationship when one person uses abuse to gain power and keep control over their partner. This can be verbal abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual violence and abuse of male privilege.

Verbal abuse is a behavior that causes harm with words in the form of name-calling, insults, public humiliation, yelling and others. An early warning sign include teasing that includes insults.

Psychological and emotional abuse is a behavior intended to cause psychological or emotional distress. It is done through threats, intimidation, put downs, telling a person’s secrets, jealousy, possessiveness, preventing a person from seeing friends and family, destroying gifts, clothing and letters and damaging prized possessions. Pouting when you spend time with your family and friends, threatening to leave you in an unsafe place and trying to control what you do can be considered as early warning signs.

Physical abuse includes behaviors that inflict physical harm on a person by slapping, hitting, shoving, grabbing, hair pulling, biting, throwing things at a person and others. Some early signs are going into a rage when disappointed or frustrated, teasing, tripping or pushing, threatening to injure and others.

Sexual violence (from coercion to date rape) is defined, as sexual advances that make a person feel uncomfortable. It is a sexual behavior that is unwanted done by insisting physically or verbally that a person who said “no” have sex anyway or forced to have sex. Using emotional blackmail to talk to you into having sex (“If you love me, you would…”) can be considered as an early warning sign.

Abuse of male privilege (“it’s a guy thing”) is a behavior that assumes that boys have more power than girls and that boys have special privilege in relationships with girls. When the guy makes all decisions for the couple, expects his girlfriend to wait on and pamper him and treats his girlfriend as is she is a property he owns, he can be abusing his so-called male privilege. Be alarmed when your boyfriend expects you to be available to him at all times and he is available to you when he feels like it and when he is acting macho with friends (“This is my woman!”).

RELATIONSHIPS WARNING SIGN QUIZ

If you answer yes to any of the questions below, you could be in an abusive relationship, or your relationship could become abusive.

Do you feel nervous around him?
Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid his anger
Do you feel pressured by him when it comes to sex?
Are you scared of disagreeing with him?
Does he criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
Is he always checking up or questioning you about what you do without him?
Does he repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing other guys?
Does he tell you that if you changed he wouldn't abuse you?
Does his jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?
Has he ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?
Does he prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?
Do you feel that, with him, nothing you do is ever good enough?
Does he say that he will kill or hurt himself if you break up with him?
Does he make excuses for his abusive behavior by saying it's because of alcohol or drugs or because he can't control his temper, or that he was 'just joking'?

You might have answered 'yes' to some of these questions, but still think 'it's not that bad'. But feeling scared, humiliated, pressured or controlled is not the way you should feel in a relationship. You should feel loved, respected and free to be yourself. Your feelings and safety are important.

Abusers will often make you feel like it's your fault and you are to blame for their behavior. You might think that if you try and change to be more like what he wants you to be, then the abuse will stop. But in a relationship, you should be able to feel ok just being yourself and doing what you want to do. What about what you want for yourself?

If you are in an abusive relationship, it is likely to get worse over time. But you can't make your boyfriend change his behavior. He is the one who has to change his attitude and accept responsibility for abusing you, and not make excuses for his behavior. If this does not happen and you want the violence to stop, then leaving him might be your only choice.

It's not your fault if you are being abused. You deserve to be treated with respect. Someone who loves you should help you to feel good about yourself. No-one has the right to abuse you and make you feel so bad or confused

Hurting someone is never a sign of love. When a relationship is violent, the people involved need to either make the relationship work without violence or get out of it. You don’t have to settle for an abusive relationship, and you don’t have to continue to behave in abusive ways. Both of you deserve better.
People often need help to get out of abusive relationships. There are lots of reasons why breaking free can be hard.

From a very early age, we get the idea that having a romantic relationship is the most important thing in the world and is worth any sacrifice.
Going out with someone can be a status symbol, a way to feel more secure, or way to break into a new circle of friends.

Some people just don’t like to be alone. They may feel that any relationship is better than no relationship.
Many teenagers don’t want to ask their parents for help. A girl whose boyfriend has slapped her might be afraid her parents won’t let her go out with him or with anyone if they find out. A boy’s parents might not approve of his girlfriend’s influence and take away his car keys. The parents of a lesbian, gay, or bisexual teen might see one violent relationship as proof that all same-sex relationships are unhealthy.
Don’t think the violence and abuse will just stop by itself. Violent behavior won’t disappear on its own. One or both of you may have wrong ideas about relationships, expressing anger, what to expect from each other, what you deserve from someone you love. Usually, both of you need support and help to make a change. Being hurt by someone that you care about can make you feel weak, worthless, helpless, and alone. Turning to drugs or alcohol is not a good way to handle the situation—it will not make the abuse disappear or feel more bearable.

Start by talking to someone. A counselor, a coach, a teacher, a parent, a doctor, a minister or rabbi, or a close friend can help you get an objective opinion of the situation. They may also have some good ideas to help you stop the hurting and start talking to each other about what you really want and need in a relationship.

Then take some action!

IF YOU ARE THE ONE GETTING HURT

If a person who claims to love you also threatens, intimidates, or injures you, that person has some wrong ideas about love and isn’t worth your time. If you can’t love someone without also feeling afraid of him or her, you’re better off getting out of that relationship.

Assault is a crime. If you are afraid that someone you’re going out with may hurt you badly, or if he or she already has, don’t hesitate to call the police. In many states, teens who have been threatened or harmed can get the same restraining orders and other protections as adults.

The most important thing you can do is take care of yourself. As serious as the situation may seem, there are always alternatives to having a relationship with someone who hurts you. Demand to be treated with respect. You’re worth it!

Make sure you’re safe. Even if you haven’t decided yet whether to leave the relationship, you can decide to be safe. Take some time to think about ways you can take yourself out of a dangerous situation the next time it occurs. For example, you can screen your phone calls, see your boyfriend or girlfriend only in a public place with other people around, or find a friend to stay with if you need to. Thinking through a plan of action can help you feel more in control of a situation so that you can take the next step.
Get support. One of the most common forms of relationship violence is isolation—keeping you from spending time with your friends. If someone you’re going out with controls your free time, you start to feel like you have nowhere else to turn. You aren’t as likely to hear the support of friends who want you to leave the relationship. This is the time you need that support most. Talk to a friend, a teacher, a counselor, anyone who will support you as you stand up for yourself. Knowing that you don’t have to rely only on yourself can give you the courage you need to break free. If the first person you talk to doesn’t give you the support you need, try someone else. Don’t give up!

Demand respect. Point out the ways you’ve been hurt physically, sexually, and emotionally to the person you’re going out with. Say that it’s a big deal to you and that you want it to stop, now. This can be a hard step for many reasons. The person may deny the abuse, get furious and threaten to hurt you, your family, or himself or herself if you try to leave the relationship or tell anyone else about the problem. Or the person may get really sweet and remorseful, crying and promising never to hurt you again, only to return to the same old patterns later. Encourage the person you’re going out with to find help in dealing with anger. Face facts, though: Most people won’t make that change, even if they really love you. You can’t change them. And as much as you might want to help the person you care about get over the abusive behavior, you have to think of yourself first.

Find help. Just because this is your relationship doesn’t mean you should try to solve the problem on your own. A boyfriend or girlfriend who is hurting you already don’t respect you in the way you deserve. Talk to an adult—a teacher, counselor, coach, or friend—who will stick with you. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s about getting the support you deserve and making sure your boyfriend or girlfriend gets the message: Abuse is serious, and you deserve better.

For your own sake and for the sake of the person you love, get help! The problem of hurting people when you’re angry or frustrated or jealous is not going to go away on its own. Even if you honestly think you’re sometimes justified in your actions, you need to talk over this behavior with someone who can give you some new ideas about how to handle your feelings.
Drinking alcohol or using drugs does not make you hurt someone. It can have unpredictable effects, though, and can change the way you view situations. You can never use drugs and alcohol as an excuse for abusive behavior. You should make it a reason to go for help for substance abuse.
Nobody is ever justified in hurting someone else to get his or her way. You’re not going to get what you’re looking for—love, respect, kindness, affection, a happy time with someone who loves and trusts you—unless you learn how to deal with your frustrations in a way that is not hurtful to others.
You’re not a bad person—just someone who needs help to stop a bad behavior. You can learn new ways to deal with your anger, to fight fair, to communicate, and to give and get love in relationships. Don’t let shame or fear stop you—talk to a parent, a teacher, a religious leader, a doctor, a nurse, or a guidance counselor today!

Seeing a friend in a violent relationship is painful. You might want to help but don’t know what to say or do. You might be afraid of getting involved in someone else’s problem. Or maybe you haven’t seen the violence or abuse, and the person your friend is dating seems so nice that you wonder how much of the story to believe.

If you’re worried, say something. If you’re concerned about your friend’s safety, mention it. People who are being hurt in a relationship often feel they can’t talk to anyone. They may be ashamed. They may think the abuse is their fault. They may think they deserve it. Let your friend know that you’re there, you’re willing to listen, and you’re not going to judge. If your friend isn’t ready to admit that there is a problem, don’t give up. By being supportive and letting your friend know that someone is willing to listen, you’re making it easier to start dealing with the problem.
Listen, support, believe. If a friend asks for your help, take your friend seriously. Believe what your friend tells you, not the gossip you might hear in the hallway. Your friend is trusting you with very personal and painful information—be a true friend and don’t spread gossip. Support your friend by making it clear that your friend doesn’t deserve to be abused in any way. Recognize that, as abusive as the person your friend is going out with might be, your friend may find it difficult to leave the relationship, particularly if your friend believes it will make the violence worse.

Help your friend take action. Help your friend develop a plan, whether it’s telling the person to stop the abuse, confronting the person with other people, ending the relationship, or looking for help and safety. Help your friend practice what to say to the abusive person. Help your friend find and talk to a supportive adult, like a counselor. Find the phone number for a crisis center hotline in the yellow pages.

Call in reinforcements. Your friend might tell you about a violent relationship only if you promise to keep it a secret. Violence and abuse are not problems to be kept secret. Whether your friend is ready to get help or not, find an adult you can talk to. Take your friend along if you can. You can tell the adult that you don’t want to break a promise to keep a secret, but don’t carry this burden all by yourself.

IS YOUR TEEN INVOLVED IN A VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP?

Despite the startling statistics, many teens do not regard adolescent dating violence as a significant problem. Instead, they view this behavior as normal because they believe it frequently occurs in many relationships. This perception may also prevent them from telling adults. Adults are also not told because they tend to discount or minimize the victims' accounts of abuse. Parents, along with teachers and coaches, need to learn to recognize the warning signs of a violent teen relationship, and adolescents need to know what to look for in a potentially abusive dating partner. Is your teen involved in a violent relationship? Here are some questions to ask:

Does he or she come home with bruises that he or she cannot explain?
Does your teen show fear for his or her partner?
Has your teenager lost interest in things that he or she once enjoyed (ex: hobbies, hanging out with friends, extracurricular activities)?
Does your teen apologize for his or her partner's behavior toward you and others?

HELPING YOUR TEEN

There are many things that a parent, can do to both prevent and intervene in an adolescent violent relationship.

Before your teen starts dating, help him or her set up guidelines for acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
Discuss with your teen some of the warning signs of potential abusers.
Provide your teen with a list of local resources that may help him or her get help for themselves and the abuser. This may include toll free hotlines or local community center programs.
Teach your teen effective conflict resolution skills and show them other ways to resolve conflict besides physical force.

Finally, help your teen by validating what he or she is feeling by simply providing an understanding ear and time in meaningful conversation. You can also help the perpetrator by providing resources and encouraging him or her to seek help. Do not allow the perpetrator to play down the violence but help the offending teen to see that violence is not an acceptable way to solve conflicts and show him or her positive alternatives to solve problems.

By: sav